Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.