Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?