*pronounces fake like saké*
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I came this close!!!!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
There’s only one good girl here!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?