*pronounces fake like saké*
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door