*pronounces fake like saké*
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Harsh but fair
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
#MeanwhileinCanada
