Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

😭😭😭

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.