Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

pelicons

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same