*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
