*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
for all #parents out there
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Yup.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.