Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
