Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations