Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.