Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

This is hilarious….

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

“you changed” bro i was 15

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.