[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
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The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Overindulged this afternoon.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.