[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
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It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
(more comics:
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
this site is so cooked lol
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”