[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?