[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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Check your privilege
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.