[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.