[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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The honesty is refreshing
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.