*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.