*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
CRYING
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
That’s fair
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf