*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You Might Also Like
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
first you must answer his riddles
I’m giving up for Lent.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?