*pronounces patio like ratio
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.