*pronounces patio like ratio
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
it takes so much energy
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.