*pronounces patio like ratio
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now