[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.