[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: