*pronounces surface like Versace*
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life