*pronounces surface like Versace*
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My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked