*pronounces surface like Versace*
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The Backseat Boys
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Bloody internet 😳
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot