[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
that’s really how it is
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.