[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
How funny!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.