[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
The Backseat Boys
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*