*pronounces UPS like yoops
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Succinctly put.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.