*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar