*pronounces UPS like yoops
You Might Also Like
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.