*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?