*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
#IWishIHadNever noticed
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…