*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
How to draw a duck
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled