*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what


Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything


Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.


Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined


When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.


GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit


The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.


*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*