Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
just having fun
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*acts like nothing happened*