*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I remember when things only cost an arm.