*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.