*pronounces woah like Noah*
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Skills
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Love this one 😂🧟
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.