*pronounces woah like Noah*
You Might Also Like
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.