*pronounces woah like Noah*
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I WON A HAM TODAY
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?