*pronounces woah like Noah*
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I’ve been drinking.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns