Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Seems legit
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”