Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You Might Also Like
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.