Pronouncing “driest” like priest
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i just found this in my phone
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L