Pronouncing “driest” like priest
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.