Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’