[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
There is no “we” in pizza
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.