[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.