@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

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@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

@PhilJamesson

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@randypaint

Me: has anyone else worn this?

Interviewer: um, no

Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job

@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.