[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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@ candidates for local office
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)