The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: has anyone else worn this?
Interviewer: um, no
Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Good job Twitter #RAW
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.