[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
![]()
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
![]()
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?