pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”