pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.