Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Last-minute gift idea!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither