Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m Sold!
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.