Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

👍

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My inexpensive home security system…

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

🤣