Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though