@fro_vo

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

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@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

@MauriceBlitz

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@mattZillaaaa

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@noitsgary

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again