Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.