“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again