Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I feel it
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.