Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you