Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

Me, reading some of your tweets

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.