Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW