Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!