Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”