Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*