Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
You Might Also Like
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
About to throw up
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Priorities
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do