Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech