Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia đ˛âŚ
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.Iâve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing youâre going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
âTo be is to doâ â Socrates.
âTo do is to beâ â Nietzsche.
âDo be do be doâ â Sinatra.
âBeep beep beepâ â R2D2.
âTo boldly go where no one has gone before.â
âWhat?â
âI said boldly go where no one has gone before.â
âWhat happened to the to?â
âIt split.â
This is exactly why pilots do a âwalk aroundâ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
SON: Daddy, whatâs the river that flows through New York
ME: Itâs The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Detective: the suspect is described as having âreally lame skateboard tricksâ
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Send me your home address and Iâll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I donât think itâs working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (itâs a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
âI think we should start touching other people.â
-Blind couple breaking up.
Albus pretended it didnât bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him âDumblefag.â
hey donât shoot me, iâm just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out sheâd just gone to the toilet and now sheâs back and she hates me.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how youâre not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention âamnesia pillsâ but did anyway?
âNoâ
excellent.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheusâ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Some tattoo artists need to just say, âno, Iâm not doing this shit.â
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that shouldâve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, youâre an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
When kids say theyâre boredâŚ
new parent: letâs go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something