Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣