Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 馃槻…
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
choose your fighter
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
What鈥檚 your standard response when you鈥檙e using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I鈥檒l take 1400 trees
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it鈥檚 ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I鈥檓 just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I鈥檝e never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I鈥檒l be mad as hell!
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?