Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

All set.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!