Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Heroic Misunderstanding
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman